I REPEAT: We are NOT Bob and Liz.
This is the phrase that has stuck with me ever since I became engaged. How do you stay connected to your spouse when kids become the focus? All children have special needs that require you to pull your time and energy away from your spouse. How do you make time for each other so that you don’t end up like Bob and Liz? Who are Bob and Liz, you are probably wondering?
Featured on Down Syndrome Nation: The Importance of Date Night
When you both work full time, prioritizing your relationship with your spouse can be challenging in the best situations. If you are blessed with a special needs child, quality time with your soulmate is even more important.
With our son, Hudson’s arrival, the world changed. Brandon and I both work in high pressure jobs. Adding a child to the mix took some getting used to. Whatever time we didn’t spend at work was invested in his care. And then, Juliette came to us with Down syndrome, adding a whole new layer of love and responsibility came with her. Our commutes typically get us home after 6PM. Once we’ve finished feeding the kids, we have about an hour for quality interaction before bedtime. Add baths, teeth brushing and the usual distractions that come with them, and by the time everyone is sound asleep, we are beat!
How many of you can relate? You fall into bed exhausted and before you know it, the alarm is ringing to start the drill all over again.
While we wouldn’t change our situation for the world, we sometimes look wistfully back on our pre-kid days, where we could decide on the fly to have a romantic dinner somewhere between our two places of employment. We could take in a concert or an art festival on the weekends. And there was at least one hour after dinner where we could talk with one another about our days and ponder our hopes and dreams.
As children become part of the equation, those days are soon filled with sports, homework, and the extra curricular activities that help them develop into confident adults. You are a chauffeur, a coach, a room-parent, a baker of cookies and cupcakes. Spare moments find you washing and folding the clothes that overflow your hamper or rushing to the grocery store to replenish provisions.
Clean the house? Ha! Who has time for that!
If you are navigating “the scenic route”, Date Night is even more important. This week, I share a note from our dear friend Meghan Douglas Weaver. She and her husband, Chris, are two of our most treasured fellow travelers. Beyond our long past history, we also share a special needs child in common. That’s their exquisite Rowan who stars as our cover girl above this week’s message. Isn’t she beautiful!
Recently, Meghan wrote on her Instagram page @mymomhasspecialneeds, about the challenges of maintaining a relationship with complicated parenting responsibilities. I recommend her as a must-follow for those of you trying to navigate a similar path.
Here’s Meghan’s take on the importance of Date Night:
Meghan and Chris Weaver
They were a couple we met on our trip to Costa Rica 13 years ago. Bob and Liz had been married about 12 yrs, had 2 children, and were on vacation alone together for the first time in years.
Like us, they were guests at the tiny remote bungalows in this small Costa Rican beach town. We ran into them often and they invited us to join them for dinner one night.
At dinner, Chris chatted with Bob, and I with Liz. She told me that she and Bob didn’t know how to be together without the kids anymore. They made an agreement not to discuss the kids while they were away and it was proving more difficult than they thought, hence our invitation to dinner. She told me she loved him and they hoped to reconnect but so far it had been tough.
I’m so thankful to have had this time with them and an early glimpse of what can happen to a nice couple that didn’t make it a priority to stay connected.
Chris and I know as well as anyone how hard this is, impossible at times. We had quite a run of not getting out much together and we are starting to make up for it in 2019. Mid-week date nights and a night or two away every now and then really help us decompress AT THE SAME TIME.
We spent years taking turns watching the kids so the other one could get a break. Now that we are finally in a place again where it is possible to get away together, we are making it a priority. Bob and Liz have been in the back of my mind all these years. Where are they now? Were they able to reconnect?
As a child of divorce, you view the fighting as the first indicator of trouble. Bob and Liz taught me another.
If you are in that stage of life where your situation or responsibilities prevent you from going away, know the day will come again. It might seem so far away, but you have to seek it out and when the opportunity presents itself you have to take it!
How often to you go on dates with your spouse, without the kids or another couple?
Great question! Brandon and I are lucky to have his parents living nearby. For over 40 years, they have prioritized every Wednesday as date night. It was written into my Father-in-Law’s employment contracts, and even during my MIL’s battles with ovarian cancer, they never missed a Wednesday. When they moved back to Florida, one of the first things they offered up was to cover for us on a regular basis so we could enjoy date nights, too. It’s a huge gift and has made all the difference.
Whatever your situation, never forget to keep doing the things you did to win your spouse in the first place. If possible, schedule some romantic moments on your calendar on a regular basis, a weekly date night and a quarterly get-away for just the two of you.
Treat your relationship as if it was as important as your career. It is!
