Not your “Typical” Photoshoot

Do have pictures that are hard to look at? ⁣

People ask if we had any indication during pregnancy that something was wrong. We had lack of movement in the last month but the doctors didn’t seem overly concerned. They ask if we knew something was wrong when she was born. I pointed out many things to the nurses & doctors and they were all explained away. Low blood sugar, reflux, a sleepy baby... ⁣

I pushed my worries away for a moment and spoiled myself with a newborn session with a popular photographer in town. Her work was exceptional and I couldn’t wait. At the session we did everything to wake Rowan for just one picture with her eyes open. The photographer commented that she was the sleepiest baby she had ever seen and we were getting some great shots. We tried wet wash cloths, tickling, feeding, etc. That voice inside me was worried again. I pushed it away and thought about all the beautiful pictures I would have with Rowan and her older sister. I told myself I was lucky to have such a good baby. At the very end she opened her eyes for a moment and Wendy got the shot. ⁣

The pictures all came back and were PERFECTION. I printed them and hung them on the walls. Months passed and Rowan’s condition had become more serious and apparent with each passing day. These pictures of my posed sick baby brought me guilt and sadness. ⁣

On the one hand I am thankful to have these perfect pictures of her as a baby. They don’t show the vomit, the medicine, the scared and exhausted mom, the 3 yr old sister running to get more paper towels. When I look at them I feel the hope I had for a normal healthy child. I see hope, worry, and denial. ⁣

We are getting ready to do family pictures again. I now see my children for who they are in this moment- growing, ever-changing individuals with no expectations or limitations of what their future holds. Those are the pictures that will hang on our walls. These newborn pics have a place too...smaller prints in the nooks and crannies of our home. They are gentle reminders of how far we’ve come, how much I’ve learned, and how through it all we have had faith and love. 💛⁣

📸 cred: @wendyupdegraff